[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
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If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
DOOO EEEET
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works