Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.