“and how does that make you feel?”
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Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
The Punning Dead.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom