I have never related to a cat more
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A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I put the h in mysterious.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
That’s enough internet for the day
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Catercrombie & Fish
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
British websites use biscuits.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.