Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
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[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
titanic
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!