Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
You Might Also Like
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
When news reporters do sports stories
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.