Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Them: You should try keto
Me:
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.