[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
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Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I gave up going to work for lent.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”