I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan