I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
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Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Practicing safe sax
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those