[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
You Might Also Like
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*