Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
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If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying