Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
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nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.