[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
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When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*