me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
prepare for carbonated trouble
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please