Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
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Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.