“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
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2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t