(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
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Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I put the mess in domestic.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank