The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
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NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
need a new bf mines broken 😐
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!