It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Story of my life…..
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Xylophonist Shredding It
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”