kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
You Might Also Like
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
“our sushi is very fresh”
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.