she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ