Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
You Might Also Like
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars