My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
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ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?