Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
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Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you