At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
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[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
boat question
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.