HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
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They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.