[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
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Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Basically.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.