*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
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My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Thinking about Jeff
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
They’re not wrong
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…