Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
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When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.