good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]