‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
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I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”