Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
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Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.