wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”