When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
You Might Also Like
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Candles never taste the way they smell
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.