My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
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Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.