Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
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[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.