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It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Good point.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]