Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
White parent Vs Arab parents
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day