When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
You Might Also Like
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
You can’t rush stupid.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house