Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
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If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.