“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
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(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off