her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
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Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape