“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!