the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
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I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes