I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.