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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.