Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
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“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
that lip filler tho
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?