If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.