Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
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Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I can’t stop watching this.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!